CHEF VOETBAL’S HOT-AIR OVEN™
THE DAILY OFFSIDE
SEPTEMBER 24, 2026
By Martijn Kookman
A satirical review of the media’s favorite heat generator: a revolutionary convection oven, personally calibrated for Valentijn Driessen, better known as Chef Voetbal.
Welcome to Chef Voetbal’s Hot-Air Oven™—the only kitchen appliance guaranteed to convert any football conversation into a national debate.
Every kitchen has a personality.
Some chefs let the ingredients speak for themselves.
Some add a little seasoning.
Some believe there is no such thing as too much sauce.
And then there is Valentijn Driessen.
Chef voetbal.
A title that sounds innocent enough until you realize what happens when football gets into his kitchen.
The ingredients go in.
The temperature rises.
The opinions start circulating.
And before long, the entire room is filled with hot air.
Welcome to Chef Voetbal’s Hot-Air Oven™—the only kitchen appliance guaranteed to convert any football conversation into a national debate.
The Driessen Method
The appliance is remarkably easy to operate.
STEP ONE:
Start with football, preferably something with just enough controversy to spark interest.
STEP TWO:
Add a strong opinion.
STEP THREE:
Preheat to maximum certainty.
STEP FOUR:
Ask a question.
STEP FIVE:
Receive an answer.
STEP SIX:
Decide the answer isn’t satisfactory.
STEP SEVEN:
Turn up the heat.
STEP EIGHT:
Repeat until confrontation is fully cooked.
Serve immediately on television.
No refrigeration required. Repeat as necessary for maximum exposure.
Now With Professional Convection
The oven’s revolutionary technology is simple:
It circulates heat.
And Driessen has become remarkably good at circulating it.
A football opinion can begin in a newspaper column, move to a podcast, appear at a press conference, return to television, and then reappear online.
Same ingredients.
Different plate.
CONVECTION MODE: ON.
Why let an opinion cool down when you can keep circulating it until the entire country
is discussing it?
The Chef's Special
One of the chef’s better-known techniques is the Question With a Conclusion Already Inside It™.
In 2024, while questioning Ronald Koeman about Xavi Simons, Driessen asked:
“Heb je niks beters?”
“Don’t you have anything better?”
Koeman responded by explaining why Simons remained a legitimate option and pointing out that other players also lost possession. Other football-media figures, including Henk Spaan and Suse van Kleef, later criticized the question itself.
Now, a conventional chef might taste the answer.
Chef Voetbal has other plans.
Send it back to the kitchen.
Too much nuance.
Not enough heat.
The Sauce
There is nothing wrong with a critical chef.
Football needs people who challenge coaches, players, and administrators.
Otherwise every press conference becomes:
“Thank you, coach.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Excellent.”
“See you next week.”
That’s not journalism.
That’s room service.
Driessen’s willingness to challenge people is therefore a useful ingredient.
The problem begins when the sauce becomes more important than the food.
Ask a coach:
“Why did you select this player?”
You might get tactics
Ask:
“Why are you STILL playing this guy?”
Now you’ve got a fight.
And fights are very good television.
"A reaction is not necessarily information."
Hot Air Vs. Information
This is where Chef Voetbal’s kitchen gets interesting.
A reaction is not necessarily information.
A coach getting angry is a reaction.
A player getting defensive is a reaction.
A journalist becoming visibly frustrated is a reaction.
A ten-minute argument is a reaction.
But what did we actually learn?
That’s the nutritional label.
Because a plate can be enormous and still contain very little food.
The modern media kitchen has discovered something wonderful:
You can make content without necessarily making it understandable.
Just keep the oven running.
The Chef Who Knows The Answer
Another feature is built into the Driessen model.
The chef often appears to arrive at the kitchen already knowing what the dish should
taste like.
That’s a useful skill if you’re writing a column.
It becomes more complicated when you’re conducting an interview.
Because an interview should contain at least a small possibility that the person answering the question will tell you something you didn’t know.
Imagine asking:
“What does this player give you that the others don’t?”
And getting an unexpected answer.
Instead of thinking:
“He’s making excuses.”
you think:
“Interesting. I hadn’t considered that.”
Then you ask another question.
And another.
Suddenly the chef isn’t trying to win.
He’s tasting.
The Other Settings
Chef Voetbal’s Hot-Air Oven™ does have another setting.
It’s called:
CURIOSITY
Unfortunately, it has not been installed as standard.
With Curiosity Mode activated, the chef asks:
“What am I missing?”
Then:
“What evidence supports that?”
Then:
“What would change your mind?”
Then, possibly the most dangerous question in football media:
“Could you be right?
The oven temperature drops.
The shouting stops.
The audience learns something.
Warning: may cause journalism.
To Be Fair To The Chef
Driessen could quite reasonably say:
“I’m doing exactly what my audience expects. I’m critical. I’m direct. I challenge people.”
And he would have a point.
His confrontational style is not an accidental feature of his public media persona. It is part of what makes Driessen Driessen.
That’s why this isn’t really a story about a defective oven.
The oven works.
The personality works.
The format works.
People watch.
People argue.
People react.
People come back for more.
The question is:
What is the oven actually cooking?
The Better Ched
The answer isn’t to remove the heat.
Keep the skepticism.
Keep the courage.
Keep the willingness to challenge powerful people.
Keep asking uncomfortable questions.
But use the heat to cook the information—not to burn the person you’re interviewing.
The best question isn’t necessarily the most aggressive one.
It’s the one that makes the subject explain something they haven’t explained before.
That’s where the nutritional value is.
That’s where the audience gets something to take home.
Chef Voetbal's HOT-AIR OVEN ™
PERSONALITY-CALIBRATED CONVECTION TECHNOLOGY
ROAST: Coaches, players, and federations.
REHEAT: Yesterday’s controversy.
CRISP: Remove nuance.
BROIL: Increase confrontation.
TURBO: Add adjectives.
CONVECTION: Circulate the same opinion until everyone has heard it.
CURIOSITY: Optional accessory. Sold separately.
"Do not confuse heat with nutritional value."
WARNING
This appliance produces extremely hot air.
Prolonged exposure may cause repetition, outrage, and the mistaken belief that volume equals substance.
Do not confuse heat with nutritional value.
If unexpected information appears during cooking, do not discard it.
It may be the most valuable ingredient in the kitchen.
Bon appétit.
And remember: the next time the oven fills with hot air, ask yourself—are you getting substance, or just more heat?
Comments